Sunday, March 27, 2011

OMG Breakfast!

Dear Facebook,

Nobody cares what you ate for breakfast. If this qualifys as something you think of as interesting to anyone, even yourself, than you are a boring person. However, if you have embraced the fact that you have nothing to offer the world because you are stupid, boring, untalented, and/or useless, here are some other things you might want to enlighten everyone about:

  • The current temperature.
  • Are you are waiting for the bus?
  • Where you bought your coffee.
  • A Charlie Sheen meme.
  • Let everyone know you are still awake. Then explain that it is because you cant sleep.

Friday, March 25, 2011

How DARE you call yourself a sandwich!

YOU sir are NO sandwich!

Dear open-faced sandwich,

You are nothing but a pile of food atop a single slice of bread, and that, does not a sandwich make. More appropriately, you are some kind of mound of toppings heaped onto a bread plate. If this it all it takes to be a sandwich, then pizza must be a sandwich too, and I REFUSE to live in THAT world kind sir. If I must eat you with a fork, a sandwich, you are not.

Now, I know what you must be saying false-sandwich:

"B-b-but, my contents are too plentiful! Another slice of bread would make me too tall and awkward!"

Then I suggest you cease this charade and become two sandwiches! Then, at least you can stop lying to yourself and others, and the healing can begin. Until you can come to terms with yourself and create your own identity, we shall no longer enjoy each others company. GOOD DAY SIR!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

No more rain-face.

Attn: People walking in the rain

Please be aware that you are making a ridiculous face as you squint your way down the sidewalk trying to keep rain drops out of your eyes. Just open them suckers up and feel confident knowing that you no longer look like an ass. Let's all do our part to keep rain-face off our city streets. Seriously.

Check back this summer for tips on how to keep from looking similarly insane while walking in the sun. You're welcome.